The Ballad of Dirty Joe

Out upon the briny deep where the wild and wet winds blow,

There sailed a cruel and evil man, the pirate Dirty Joe.

He sailed upon the scummiest craft that ever left the docks

He roamed the world and seven seas in search of dirty socks.

He wore a scratchy, scraggly beard, he had but one good eye,

And with a tattered piece of sail, his oily hair he'd tie.

Hook for an arm? Yes, that too - he found it very handy

For picking in between his teeth to get out sticky candy.

His one good eye surveyed the seas, searching for some ship

And when he spied a boat out there, he'd sneer and lick his lips

“All hands on deck,” he'd order, “there's treasure to be had!”

He'd shake his one fist in the air and laugh like he were mad.

He'd fire a cannon 'cross their bow, and board the other craft

Then make the crew take off their shoes, and with a horrid laugh

He tied the sailors all up tight, and robbed them of their socks

Then left their ship a-floundering to run up on the rocks.

The socks he took from other ships, you'll be surprised to learn

He tied upon his rigging lines that stretched from bow to stern

They flapped and fluttered in the breeze, five hundred little flags -

And the smell that those old socks gave off was enough to make you gag.

From China to the Ivory Coast, Australia up to Spain,

The pirate did his dirty work across the bounding Main -

You could always tell a boat Joe robbed by looking at the crew -

Fear was deep within their eyes, and all their toes were blue.

Till one day as he sailed his ship somewhere near Mandalay

His lookout spied another boat beating ‘cross the bay

“Ah ha!” said Joe, “let's get that boat, we'll catch it now, by thunder,

For sure as I am Dirty Joe, there's socks there we can plunder.”

The pirates cheered and set their sails to catch up with their prey

They sharpened up their knives and swords, their boat danced in the spray.

But suddenly the cheering stopped, the wind it gave a moan,

For on the other ship there flew a flag of skull and bones.

And from bow to stern, from mast to mast, flying everywhere

There flapped and snapped five hundred pairs of pilfered underwear -

Boxers big and boxers small, with stripes and polka dots

And tighty-whities hung there too, like the ones your grandpa's got.

And lined up on that other deck, armed with swords and knives

Was a sight that made the men all shake and fear for their own lives

One hundred pirate women waved their daggers and their swords

And the woman pirate captain yelled “Girls, let's climb aboard!”

“It's Stinky Annie” someone said, “and her band of smelly varmints.

She captures every boat she can and takes their undergarments.”

“Then all is lost,” another said, “we don't have a chance

You can't be a pirate if you don't have   underpants.”

“You lily-livered lunks of lard,” lashed out Dirty Joe

“What kind of pirates are you lads? That's what I want to know

We'll show them, we'll take their ship, we'll tie them up!” he roared

“We'll take their socks and sneakers, too, and throw them overboard!”

The pirates there with Dirty Joe screamed and cheered and yelled,

Someone blew a whistle someone rang the bell.

Stinky Annie's ship drew close, the pirates cursed and muttered

While a thousand pairs of underwear and socks all flapped and fluttered.

And as their ships came closer still, Joe's men all could see

That Stinky Annie was as scary looking as could be

Her mouth was twisted in a sneer, one arm was but a hook

And with her one good evil eye she gave a withering look.

Finally the two ships met, on the waves they rocked

“Get them now boys,” Joe cried out, “Take off all their socks”

But even as the men attacked the women waiting there

Stinky Ann called to her crew “Girls - get their underwear!”

It was an awful battle, a loud and raucous fray -

At first it seemed that Dirty Joe would win and have his way

Until Joe's first mate noticed that Stinky Annie's crew

All were fighting barefoot, they had no socks and shoes.

“What's the point?” a man called out “Why make all this fuss?

If they're not wearing socks and shoes, what's in it for us?”

“No!” screamed Joe, “don't give up now!” but spoke the words too late

And Stinky Annie and her crew quickly sealed their fate.

Stinky Annie came aboard and cornered Dirty Joe

She said “I want your boxers now, in case you didn't know.

And Dirty Joe looked up and said “Before you have your fun

Your face looks quite familiar, you remind me of someone.”

Stinky Annie let down her sword, they peered at one another

“Wait,” she said, “I see it now, you're Joe my little brother.”

“That's right” said Joe, “you're sister Ann, you bounced me on your knee.

Put down your sword, give up this fight, please don't do this to me!”

Stinky Annie gave a smile, a tear came to her eye

All her crew looked on in awe, they'd never seen her cry.

“Little Joey how are you?” she asked, “How have you been?

“I'm just fine, dear sister Ann,” he said and gave a grin.

“Good,” said Annie, “that's great news.” Her one eye shone and danced.

“Now do just what I say, you squirt. I want your underpants.”

“But Annie, you're my sister,” Joe blubbered and he whined

“Can it, Joey,” Annie said, “I haven't got the time.”

“Just because we're family, it doesn't mean I care

I'm a pirate - that's my job - I want your underwear.”

So Dirty Joe surrendered and did what his sister said

And when he did, it's safe to say, more than his face was red.

Stinky Annie sailed away and still she roams the seas

With her brother's boxers tied above, flapping in the breeze

And Dirty Joe, he sailed home, close to the Bay of Fundy

He's not a pirate anymore, because he has no undies.

That's the finish of this tale, it's stupid and it's done

But there's a lesson here that I'd impart to everyone.

If you've got an older sister, then I feel bad for you

Cause as long as she's alive, she'll tell you what to do.

by Bill Harley